I'm not that kind of Dad but the last few weeks have been all about boobs. Little Man has discovered that there is at least one physical difference between men and women, generally speaking, and is fascinated. We went through a week of him pointing out chests and exclaiming whether or not they had "boobs"! Awkward!! Especially if it happened to be a man. This would have been funny enough but no, not my Little Man. He has taken his exploration of boobs even further.
The other day a woman was carrying a baby and LM pointed to her and announced "Babies get milk from your body." The woman chuckled and kept walking, probably wondering who this kid was pointing at her. We've discussed that yes some babies get milk from their Mom's body, that some babies get milk from bottles and that no he did not get fed from my body. He was a little sad that we hadn't been able to do this for him. That men don't breast feed and so we weren't able to.
Last week at the grocery store, Little Man was carrying his baby and rocking it when he shoved it under his shirt and held it very carefully. I asked him what he was doing since this was something entirely new. He shushed me and very quietly said "Quiet Daddy, I'm feeding my baby." !!! The lady behind me in line smiled and nodded before returning to her magazine. LOL I can imagine her story at home.
I love that my son is learning to be a caring, considerate and compassionate father already. Now if I can just get him to understand that he may have to settle for bottle feeding any future children he has.
Father's day was a great day. Lunch, playing and a house full of family and friends. A friend of mine from back East made a comment about how grateful he was that his wife allowed him the joy of celebrating Father's day. It made me think of Little Man's Mom and how it is through her loss that I'm able to celebrate. I think of her and know that my Father's Day is about her as well.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Visits
How do you explain to a 3 year old why his Mom didn't show up to a visit even though he talked to her on the phone? We've been exploring the great mythos of the MOM. You know the mythos, where mom is the kisser of booboos, tender of upset tummies, cuddler, kisser and the sole source of love and comfort. It is in books, movies and songs so of course Little Man has become curious and enamored of his Mom. He was very excited about seeing her today. The last couple of weeks he's told everyone about it. Needless to say he was very disappointed.
I know that a lot of what Little Man is missing is the idea of a mother and that he wants to see that in his life. He knows that our family has two dads and that his mom lives a little far away. He knows who she is, has pictures of her and has even spent time with her. We encourage him to talk about her and answer as many questions as we can and talk about how adoption is that he has two families that all love him and care for him.
What he didn't know and what we hadn't prepared him for was how to handle the disappointment of her not showing. She's always been there, hours late but still at least they got to see each other. Today, after hours at the zoo and a drawn out lunch, there were several calls between Grandma and Mom trying to get her to where we were. Finally, Little Man looked up at Grandma and said "My Mom is coming him." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. He knew that it was time to head home and she wasn't there. It was awful for all of us both especially for him. I knew that because he was ready to go, no fussing about leaving and it took a tiny coaxing to get him to give hugs goodbye.
I can't fix it, I can't control it and even if we never had another visit the effect is the same. I can try to mitigate it by focusing on our visits with Grandma but he knows that is when Mom comes too. All that I know to do now is to hold him when he's sad, love him and to help him sort out his feelings about it. Now I need to work on my own feelings.
I know that a lot of what Little Man is missing is the idea of a mother and that he wants to see that in his life. He knows that our family has two dads and that his mom lives a little far away. He knows who she is, has pictures of her and has even spent time with her. We encourage him to talk about her and answer as many questions as we can and talk about how adoption is that he has two families that all love him and care for him.
What he didn't know and what we hadn't prepared him for was how to handle the disappointment of her not showing. She's always been there, hours late but still at least they got to see each other. Today, after hours at the zoo and a drawn out lunch, there were several calls between Grandma and Mom trying to get her to where we were. Finally, Little Man looked up at Grandma and said "My Mom is coming him." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. He knew that it was time to head home and she wasn't there. It was awful for all of us both especially for him. I knew that because he was ready to go, no fussing about leaving and it took a tiny coaxing to get him to give hugs goodbye.
I can't fix it, I can't control it and even if we never had another visit the effect is the same. I can try to mitigate it by focusing on our visits with Grandma but he knows that is when Mom comes too. All that I know to do now is to hold him when he's sad, love him and to help him sort out his feelings about it. Now I need to work on my own feelings.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
A trip to Cleveland
Last weekend was a first for me. I found myself in Cleveland at the American Adoption Congress' national conference. I debated on whether or not I should go, or even could go. Normally this would be too far to go for a conference that wasn't work expensed but I really had to consider it, how often do I get asked by Dawn to sit on a panel discussing open adoption. To sit with people that I read when I was just beginning the adoption process. It was from reading Dawn's and Shannon's blogs that I was open to the idea of an open adoption. I wasn't sure why I would be a good addition, but Dawn gave me her reasons. I wanted to quote them and of course can't find them anywhere. Paraphrased it boiled down to get a father's perspective and also to show that there are different levels of openness.
I was only able to go for the weekend because the conference itself is very expensive, so I was only able to attend one full day of panels. The first one was a panel of young people talking about being in open adoptions. There were a few things that I found interesting from what they had to say but the one thing I'm still pondering is the level of trust you have to develop in your own children. One of the youths talked about the things they didn't tell their adoptive parents about the visits and overnights they had with their bio families in order to not have the visits cancelled. I'm not sure that we'll ever be in that position but there will come a time when I'll have to trust him on his interactions with his family that I'm not aware of. There will be phone calls, conversations, etc... I hope that I never need to doubt him that everything is OK and safe.
Next was a wonderful presentation by former State Senator Paula Benoit. Senator Benoit discussed the work being done to unseal birth certificates for adoptees. She was eloquent and passionate about the struggle for adoptees to have access to their identities. We are lucky to have Little Man's original birth certificate as well as his amended.
Shannon convinced me to attend a panel on trans racial adoption. Usually I don't because they are almost always exclusively about African American adoptions. This one was led by Margie, who adopted two children from Korea. While the focus from her experience was the A/PI community the conversation involved a variety issues, resources and well Margie was just amazing not only as a speaker but as in getting people to really talk. It was so refreshing to be able to discuss the challenges and issues of race in adoption without worrying about offending someone. This was the best panel that I attended all weekend.
I won't even write about the LGBT adoptee panel except to say that I was extremely disappointed in it. I had really hoped it would be more.
Saturday night Darryl McDaniels, of Run DMC, spoke about his journey with being adopted. What was more inspiring to me was the group of kids representing a local foster/adoption advocacy group. They came out performing some classic Run DMC music. One in particular touched me. A young man with a sassy hat and lip gloss who was really enjoying himself as he performed for all of us. When they did "Walk This Way", each member took a turn and walked their own way. This young man worked the entire stage, vogued up to the front and back as proud as he could be. I was happy that he was in a space that he could be who he was but it also made me think of the other foster kids who can't be proud. There is so much work to be done to provide them safe places to be who they are.
Our panel was great and I was so excited to meet Pennie and Jenna. I still haven't listened to the recording of it. I'm afraid a little bit... I don't want to hear myself talk. The hour went by so fast, I really felt like we could have spent another hour. I'm glad that I was there and that Shannon and I were able to talk about the birth mothers who I hadn't heard at the conference. It was a brief drop in the bucket of what we could have talked about had we been given unlimited time. Thank you to the people who came and listened to us, I hope that something I said was able to help someone.
I skipped the last panel and just hung out with everyone discussing everything and anything that came up before we headed out for a wonderful lunch at a nearby diner with a VERY limited beverage selection. It was a short lunch before I had to dash off to the airport and head home again. The one good point to leaving when I did was that I got a limo to take me to the airport for cheaper than a cab ride! Woo hoo!
I was only able to go for the weekend because the conference itself is very expensive, so I was only able to attend one full day of panels. The first one was a panel of young people talking about being in open adoptions. There were a few things that I found interesting from what they had to say but the one thing I'm still pondering is the level of trust you have to develop in your own children. One of the youths talked about the things they didn't tell their adoptive parents about the visits and overnights they had with their bio families in order to not have the visits cancelled. I'm not sure that we'll ever be in that position but there will come a time when I'll have to trust him on his interactions with his family that I'm not aware of. There will be phone calls, conversations, etc... I hope that I never need to doubt him that everything is OK and safe.
Next was a wonderful presentation by former State Senator Paula Benoit. Senator Benoit discussed the work being done to unseal birth certificates for adoptees. She was eloquent and passionate about the struggle for adoptees to have access to their identities. We are lucky to have Little Man's original birth certificate as well as his amended.
Shannon convinced me to attend a panel on trans racial adoption. Usually I don't because they are almost always exclusively about African American adoptions. This one was led by Margie, who adopted two children from Korea. While the focus from her experience was the A/PI community the conversation involved a variety issues, resources and well Margie was just amazing not only as a speaker but as in getting people to really talk. It was so refreshing to be able to discuss the challenges and issues of race in adoption without worrying about offending someone. This was the best panel that I attended all weekend.
I won't even write about the LGBT adoptee panel except to say that I was extremely disappointed in it. I had really hoped it would be more.
Saturday night Darryl McDaniels, of Run DMC, spoke about his journey with being adopted. What was more inspiring to me was the group of kids representing a local foster/adoption advocacy group. They came out performing some classic Run DMC music. One in particular touched me. A young man with a sassy hat and lip gloss who was really enjoying himself as he performed for all of us. When they did "Walk This Way", each member took a turn and walked their own way. This young man worked the entire stage, vogued up to the front and back as proud as he could be. I was happy that he was in a space that he could be who he was but it also made me think of the other foster kids who can't be proud. There is so much work to be done to provide them safe places to be who they are.
Our panel was great and I was so excited to meet Pennie and Jenna. I still haven't listened to the recording of it. I'm afraid a little bit... I don't want to hear myself talk. The hour went by so fast, I really felt like we could have spent another hour. I'm glad that I was there and that Shannon and I were able to talk about the birth mothers who I hadn't heard at the conference. It was a brief drop in the bucket of what we could have talked about had we been given unlimited time. Thank you to the people who came and listened to us, I hope that something I said was able to help someone.
I skipped the last panel and just hung out with everyone discussing everything and anything that came up before we headed out for a wonderful lunch at a nearby diner with a VERY limited beverage selection. It was a short lunch before I had to dash off to the airport and head home again. The one good point to leaving when I did was that I got a limo to take me to the airport for cheaper than a cab ride! Woo hoo!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Well evidently I still haven't figured out how to use the app on my phone to post. I lost a post on race and forms. Here it is in an abbreviated format, hopefully it will start a dialog that I can ponder some more.
We finally applied for Little Man's social security card, late I know but hey we haven't really needed it. As we were going through the form and filling out the lines and checking boxes we came across the section for identifying the race of your child. Normally I go straight for the "other" because never do they have anything for people who are of mixed race. That and I think hey let them wonder what "other" means just like we do. This time though that wasn't an option and so I thought well I'll mark both boxes that apply to Little Man. It was then that I noticed the instructions saying to only mark one.
I get why they track race and the services paid out, however my thought is if it's important enough to track, isn't it important to track accurately.
My other thought is why must I chose between my son's two heritages? It made me think of all the times that I hear the response "it doesn't really show" or "wow, he really passes as white" to his non-Caucasian heritage. I don't want him to feel he has to "pass" nor do I ever want him to have to chose between two very proud heritages. Why should he have to ever chose? I certainly never had to chose between my Scottish heritage and my German heritage. You can say it's part of white privilege and that's probably true. Why shouldn't he have the same privilege to be proud of who he is, all of who he is? Why must I chose on a form for him? He is white and I certainly want him to be proud of that heritage and he is from another heritage that I want him to be equally proud of.
Back to the form, it felt like I was making a choice for him. I know that it is only one form out of many that will be filled out in his lifetime and that the choice I made won't show up on his card but I still feel like I was making a choice that wasn't mine to make in the first place, that somehow I was taking something away.
We finally applied for Little Man's social security card, late I know but hey we haven't really needed it. As we were going through the form and filling out the lines and checking boxes we came across the section for identifying the race of your child. Normally I go straight for the "other" because never do they have anything for people who are of mixed race. That and I think hey let them wonder what "other" means just like we do. This time though that wasn't an option and so I thought well I'll mark both boxes that apply to Little Man. It was then that I noticed the instructions saying to only mark one.
I get why they track race and the services paid out, however my thought is if it's important enough to track, isn't it important to track accurately.
My other thought is why must I chose between my son's two heritages? It made me think of all the times that I hear the response "it doesn't really show" or "wow, he really passes as white" to his non-Caucasian heritage. I don't want him to feel he has to "pass" nor do I ever want him to have to chose between two very proud heritages. Why should he have to ever chose? I certainly never had to chose between my Scottish heritage and my German heritage. You can say it's part of white privilege and that's probably true. Why shouldn't he have the same privilege to be proud of who he is, all of who he is? Why must I chose on a form for him? He is white and I certainly want him to be proud of that heritage and he is from another heritage that I want him to be equally proud of.
Back to the form, it felt like I was making a choice for him. I know that it is only one form out of many that will be filled out in his lifetime and that the choice I made won't show up on his card but I still feel like I was making a choice that wasn't mine to make in the first place, that somehow I was taking something away.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Isn't timing everything
We are dedicated to having an open honest dialogue with Little Man about his adoption. We encourage him to talk about whatever comes to mind for him. There are pictures on his wall from visits with his Mom and Grandma. Most of the conversations are initiated by Little Man and delve as deep as he asks.
The conversations started last fall during vacation. We've watched movies that have adoption in their story line, I'm not crazy about the entire message of these. The questions have varied from "What is adopted?", "Am I adopted?", "Where does my Mom live?", etc So far the questions haven't been anything that has made us feel uncomfortable talking about, we've had to think about how to put some answers into language he understands for now but we feel like it is his story and he has a right to know. Luckily we have some role models to follow.
Usually we cuddle up and talk about his questions and his feelings. A lot of times the answers he wants are easy, sometimes he doesn't want an answer he just wants to know it is OK to have feelings like missing his Mom. Hugs and cuddles while we reassure him that we understand. I talk about how it's OK to miss people that can't be with us all the time. How that I do understand because I miss my Mom when she isn't with us? How Hubby misses his Mom because she isn't be with us. I want him to know
However we've encountered a problem we aren't sure how to handle. I do not want to stifle the sense of safety in discussing his feelings or asking questions that arise, but he has started to pull the puppy dog eyes and "I miss my mommy!" when he has just gotten into trouble. Wow! The first time was a real head smacker, since then I've seen the pattern repeat: make a bad choice, Daddy starts to respond to choice, puppy dog statement in hopes of cuddles instead of consequences!
Have other parents who talk about their child's adoption and birth families seen this same behavior? How have you handled it? So far we've handled it by explaining that we understand that he misses his Mom and we can cuddle after we deal with the consequences of his choice of behavior. I really do want to encourage him to explore his feelings but at the same time I don't want to be blackmailed out of disciplining bad choices.
The conversations started last fall during vacation. We've watched movies that have adoption in their story line, I'm not crazy about the entire message of these. The questions have varied from "What is adopted?", "Am I adopted?", "Where does my Mom live?", etc So far the questions haven't been anything that has made us feel uncomfortable talking about, we've had to think about how to put some answers into language he understands for now but we feel like it is his story and he has a right to know. Luckily we have some role models to follow.
Usually we cuddle up and talk about his questions and his feelings. A lot of times the answers he wants are easy, sometimes he doesn't want an answer he just wants to know it is OK to have feelings like missing his Mom. Hugs and cuddles while we reassure him that we understand. I talk about how it's OK to miss people that can't be with us all the time. How that I do understand because I miss my Mom when she isn't with us? How Hubby misses his Mom because she isn't be with us. I want him to know
However we've encountered a problem we aren't sure how to handle. I do not want to stifle the sense of safety in discussing his feelings or asking questions that arise, but he has started to pull the puppy dog eyes and "I miss my mommy!" when he has just gotten into trouble. Wow! The first time was a real head smacker, since then I've seen the pattern repeat: make a bad choice, Daddy starts to respond to choice, puppy dog statement in hopes of cuddles instead of consequences!
Have other parents who talk about their child's adoption and birth families seen this same behavior? How have you handled it? So far we've handled it by explaining that we understand that he misses his Mom and we can cuddle after we deal with the consequences of his choice of behavior. I really do want to encourage him to explore his feelings but at the same time I don't want to be blackmailed out of disciplining bad choices.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
New Things and Updates
It has been an incredibly long time since I've written and I have a lot that I would like to write about but tonight it is best to give a brief update of what's happening.
1. Little Man is now 3'7". Yep, he is growing a foot per year. I hope the trend doesn't continue. Really where you would you put a 16' teenager? Forget that, how would you feed one?
2. Referring to point 1, we had to go get a twin bed for Little Man because he kept flopping out of bed everytime he turned over. We went to 1kea and purchased this bed for him. He is very excited about having a big boy bed and keeps reminding us that when he gets older he gets to use the ladder.
3. We took down the crib and as we did it really and truly hit me that he isn't a baby anymore. It is very bitter sweet to see the last baby supply go away. He's a kid now, he reminds me of that every day. Hubby and I talked about what to do with the crib. I'll write about it more tomorrow.
4. We are starting to look at preschools here in the city. Forget saving for college, new parents and prospective parents start saving for preschool now! Some of the nice, non-pedigreed preschools are going to run us almost $1,000 a month!! Maybe it isn't shocking to other parents but wow! That's college tuition for a lot of school right there. I don't even want to imagine what the pedigreed preschools run.
5. Work for me is slow but luckily safe so far. The economy has us pinched like a lot of America, although we are both grateful to have jobs that seem to be stable right now. So many of our friends are out of work and there just aren't that many jobs out there. There are no home projects this year but we're happy to be able to make our payments, keep up our bills and plan for a better 2010. We're also trying to eat at home more, manage our food money better (we're horrible at it) and who knows maybe pay down some of our debt.
6. We're having some parenting challenges: some I think are general parenting challenges with a toddler, one is very adoption specific (a whole post to come yet).
7. I'm still struggling with ADD. I still can't figure out if the meds work because I can't remember to take them consistently. What idiot decided that having to take a pill everyday is a plan? If I could remember details like that I wouldn't need the meds. I've also started to admit to myself that a lot of my challenges also issue from self esteem. Not something I share easily but there it is. Mix the two together and some days are downright tough.
8. I need to figure out how to blog from my phone now that Hubby has set it up for me.
So those are some quick updates, I'm sure there are more but those can wait for another post. Just wanted you to know that I was still here.
1. Little Man is now 3'7". Yep, he is growing a foot per year. I hope the trend doesn't continue. Really where you would you put a 16' teenager? Forget that, how would you feed one?
2. Referring to point 1, we had to go get a twin bed for Little Man because he kept flopping out of bed everytime he turned over. We went to 1kea and purchased this bed for him. He is very excited about having a big boy bed and keeps reminding us that when he gets older he gets to use the ladder.
3. We took down the crib and as we did it really and truly hit me that he isn't a baby anymore. It is very bitter sweet to see the last baby supply go away. He's a kid now, he reminds me of that every day. Hubby and I talked about what to do with the crib. I'll write about it more tomorrow.
4. We are starting to look at preschools here in the city. Forget saving for college, new parents and prospective parents start saving for preschool now! Some of the nice, non-pedigreed preschools are going to run us almost $1,000 a month!! Maybe it isn't shocking to other parents but wow! That's college tuition for a lot of school right there. I don't even want to imagine what the pedigreed preschools run.
5. Work for me is slow but luckily safe so far. The economy has us pinched like a lot of America, although we are both grateful to have jobs that seem to be stable right now. So many of our friends are out of work and there just aren't that many jobs out there. There are no home projects this year but we're happy to be able to make our payments, keep up our bills and plan for a better 2010. We're also trying to eat at home more, manage our food money better (we're horrible at it) and who knows maybe pay down some of our debt.
6. We're having some parenting challenges: some I think are general parenting challenges with a toddler, one is very adoption specific (a whole post to come yet).
7. I'm still struggling with ADD. I still can't figure out if the meds work because I can't remember to take them consistently. What idiot decided that having to take a pill everyday is a plan? If I could remember details like that I wouldn't need the meds. I've also started to admit to myself that a lot of my challenges also issue from self esteem. Not something I share easily but there it is. Mix the two together and some days are downright tough.
8. I need to figure out how to blog from my phone now that Hubby has set it up for me.
So those are some quick updates, I'm sure there are more but those can wait for another post. Just wanted you to know that I was still here.
Monday, February 16, 2009
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